Direct From the Horse’s Mouth…..
•1.Do shower math when you wake up to see how long you have to sleep and if it’s even worth showering or go back to bed and put your hair in a bun for work.
•2. When hairs fall out in the shower I don’t want to clog the drain so I put them on the shower wall and do a little swirl so they are neat and ready to be put in the garbage when I’m done.
•3. Laughed or coughed so hard when you’re on your period and more blood or a blood clot comes out.
Then you have to do a quick waddle walk to the bathroom cause you feel like you just turned on the faucet.
•4. When you think nobody is looking, you readjust your bra, stick your hand in, pull ‘em up one at a time, straighten the band and straps, and add an extra squeeze to make sure everything is in its
•5.Sit in a strange position when farting, so the fart bubble does not go up the cooter.
•6. Tried on a shirt that was too small, then started to panic in the dressing room after realizing how restrictive it is when you can’t get it back off over
the bosoms. Start thinking that you either have to 1. buy the shirt and live in it now, or 2. they’re going to have to
use the jaws of life to remove it.
•7. After shaving, wear silky or satin-y PJs.
•8.I roll around in my bed going, “SMOOOOOOTH!”
•9. Open my mouth really wide while putting mascara on. Also, redoing updos 30 times even though I’m pretty sure it looks the same every time.
•10. Kegels in meetings at work. Kegels in the movie theatre. Kegels at dinner with friends. Kegels everywhere. If you’re talking to me, and I’m sitting, I
am definitely kegeling.
•11.Instantly every girl who reads this does a Kegel.
•12.Got on all fours in front of a mirror to see what Canine-Approach looks like from the dude’s perspective. Not bad.
•13. When you wear a tight pair of pants and there is the seam that creates a little bulge right in the crotch, when you sit it presses against your womanliness nicely, so you wiggle back and forth a
bit to enjoy it. I can’t be the only women that has felt it or enjoyed it.
•14.Don’t have a tampon when you start your period… fold up toilet paper, place in the middle of underwear, struggle to pull up pants without dislodging the padding, walk unnaturally in an attempt to not mess up the paper… failure. Just…
failure. Bloody, shredded paper in your underwear when you get home.
•15.Cup shower water in my bosoms then unleash the water torrent on my walls/toes.
•16.Spending 30 mins in front of the mirror trying to get the “cat eye” liquid eyeliner just right. So far I’ve never succeeded.
•17.Place hands in crotch for warmth.
•18. That amazing back/stomach scratch when you
take your bra off after a long day. Best feels ever.
•19.I stick my hand down my pants all the time-watching tv, playing on the computer. It’s not intimate, I just hold my lady while I watch Netflix.
•20. Measure to see if our hair can cover our bosoms/Tips in a playboy manner when just down. We all do it, I am sure of it.
•21. We self-service to fall asleep quicker. But once you have one heavenly feeling you’re like, oh wait, I can have another. So begins a vicious cycle.
•22. Enjoy the rush of freedom and lack of constriction that comes from taking one’s bra off at the end of the day. Be free, my bosoms!
•23.Sometimes I look down at my Tips and think they’re too soft and big so I flick them to make them small and pointy.
•24. Double checked to make sure I didn’t accidentally put in two tampons. Let me die of embarrassment now.
•25.When trying to poop in public we try to pretend we’re not in the stall and act dead silent if someone comes in. We won’t poop until they’ve left the bathroom. If they came to poop there is usually a poop stalemate. Nobody wins in a poop stalemate.
In other situations in a public wash room: keeping the flusher held down while taking a tremendous dump to avoid smell and noise. Don’t deny you
haven’t done this!
•26. Purposely don’t shave vag when going out to avoid a hook-up.
•27. The period check. When you’re sitting down, you “accidentally” drop something and while you’re bending over to pick it up, you sneak a peek
between your legs to make sure you’re not leaking.
Also, indiscriminately doing the “check” for ANY fellow female who asks, regardless of who they are — even your worst enemy or someone you’ve never